Shadow on the wall

I’ve been having so many good days. Enjoying things again, rediscovering my creativity. I felt calm, reconnected for days in a row. And all that after making hard choices that needed to be made. They’re still scary as fuck. But good. I know I made the right decisions, even if sometimes I’m full of doubts.

And then I started slipping downhill again. Is this part of a mental illness? Underlying stress? Fear? I don’t know. Today my head is filled with strange thoughts. Caring about other people not being okay, in an almost obsessive way. People who don’t know me, never will, people I’ve never met. Maybe it’s easier to obsess over their lives, since mine often feels so empty.

It’s days like this that I realize how much I can feel like a shadow on the wall. Alone, invisible. Just watching as other people live their lives, while I try to get through mine. I’ve done it myself, I realize that. Pushed people away, kept them at a distance, closed myself off and distanced myself more and more. It seems easier that way. But it ends up with me filling days feeling sorry for myself or trying to find things to do that I enjoy. Endlessly watching movies I’ve seen before or ones I don’t care about. Reading stories, but barely remembering them after they’re done.

I’ve been told I’m slowly getting better. People see improvement, say that it’s so much better than it used to be. But I don’t always see it or feel it. I sometimes see more people ignoring me or turning their backs, rendering me more invisible. I know one day I can overcome it. Although today doesn’t feel like that. Today feels heavy. My own head crushing me, making me smaller.

It will pass again in a few days. It usually does. And maybe some day I won’t be so invisible anymore. Maybe people won’t turn their heads or look past me or through me. Maybe they’ll one day notice when I’m not at work or genuinely miss me as a person and not an employee when I leave. But I guess that’s what I get for sticking to the shadows. I hope one day I’ll find the light that shows the real me.

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Fighting pandora’s box

Lately it feels like I am pushing the lid back on the box more often than not. Or trying to anyway. Because the anger slips out, man does it ever. The smallest thing can happen. I lose my chair at the office. I miss my bus. I remember that it’s Sunday… The smallest things happen and I’m frowning and have a balled fist while I type.

I’ve even started to recognize when it starts now. It starts with my shoulder twitching on it’s own and my skin feeling like it’s vibrating. I can still laugh and talk to people. But small things annoy me. I feel on edge. It just builds and builds and then I’m home and it’s right there. I want to throw something, smash something, break something. But I can’t, because I can’t afford to replace things. I’ve tried writing it away and I almost ended up scratching the paper so hard that you can see the scratches 3 pages further. I tried exercising and just felt more mad. I tried cleaning and almost broke my dishes. Then I cry, because there is so much anger and it won’t go away.

A few times now I’ve ended up scratching my arms, to try and break the skin. Not that it helps. It’s a new focus for a moment, feeling it burn afterwards. But the skin doesn’t break, it’s resilient.

So the anger stays. And then it goes away, leaving me feeling empty. What follows is often like an outer body experience. I sit and do, whether it’s typing or writing or watching TV and I see myself do it and I’m aware of myself doing it, but I’m not really part of it.

Could it be part of a mental disorder? Perhaps. I saw my GP to figure it out. She has referred me to a psychologist and when I told my hapto therapist, she asked for my GPs number, to consult with her. I should get a letter from that psychologist any day now for an intake. Maybe they can help. Because the anger comes and goes and I feel like my life is living me instead of the other way around.

Am I letting it take me? Or am I losing control of that box? I’m not even stuck in my head that much lately. It may seem like I am, but I’m not. Or at least, I don’t remember what I think of all day. Time seems to pass by mostly. I distract myself with meaningless things if I’m not working or talking to friends. Perhaps it’s because I’m still afraid to take the steps towards a different life. Too scared to get out of the comfort zone. Or maybe I’m losing my mind.

I don’t even know what I’m so angry about anymore. Perhaps it’s towards myself, for not taking control. Or the situation I’ve put myself in. Wanting things that seem so far away. Not knowing how to stop it all.

Sometimes it feels like I’m in a movie. My words and actions echo inside my head.

Looking at it from a spiritual standpoint, it’s like my soul isn’t connected to my body most of the time. Or not fully anyway. Like I’m not letting it in, because then I have to deal with even more feelings and pain and scary stuff, happy or not. I’m not used to it. It’s not part of my safety bubble.

Perhaps none of this makes sense to anyone reading it. Trust me, it doesn’t make sense to me either. If it did, it would be a lot easier to solve.

Let’s get that diagnosis in, doc. I may be open to the idea of medication now.

 

Anger

Excuse me for ranting for a bit. Just fucking angry right now, mostly with myself. Because I was off from work for a week so I could calm down and take time for myself and figure things out. And I did take time for myself. But the same time I didn’t know what to do. What makes me happy? Good question! I ended up watching Netflix and playing games and publishing my personal story to the public and other than that… I accomplished nothing.

people keep telling me things will be okay and it takes small steps and I can only do what I can and it will all work itself out. But all I see is my future wasting away and having zero skills. There are people who believe in me, think I have potential, but I don’t see it. I don’t even know where to look for it. And I can’t do any courses cause I can’t afford it. I have dreamed of becoming a writer, but do I write? No. I can’t get myself to basically do anything. And yes it’s important to take care of myself and not out pressure in things. But when you don’t see yourself evolve and you’re not happy, yet you still can’t kick yourself in the ass enough to do things, to have the guts to write and not think so much and talk to people and allow yourself to.. Well to do anything and feel anything… All I feel is anger at myself. I’m angry and disappointed and I dont  believe in myself and I dont love myself and here I am wallowing in self pity basically and having no clue what I want or what I can do and yet not enough self discipline to pull myself out of this damn mess.

I’ve made such a mess of my own life over the years and I’m still incredibly stubborn and allow my own thoughts to consume me more than letting my feelings in. I want to be at peace. I want to be happy. But I don’t see the road ahead right now. I just feel stuck in every which way. Not that it’s the first time. Just so sick of things right now! I don’t even feel like sleeping. But I don’t know what I do want exactly.

Ugh.

Fighting for me

Things continue to change and it’s a good thing, I know that. One small step means progress towards a better future. Sometimes it’s hard to see that progress though.

My insecurities keep getting the better of me. I’m getting the chance to write again and show what I can do. But then I wonder, do I actually have that skill? Can I be a writer for real? Could it be my real future? Or is it just a fantasy, created by my own imagination?

The words are often hard to find. And it makes me feel perhaps it is just in my head and sure I can write a cute story now and then, but to make it my future career? Maybe it’s more wishful thinking than anything else.

And then there’s the part of me that thinks too much (hence all my insecurities) and it gets in my way so often. It puts up huge hurdles at every step forward. The writing, moving forward in my job, networking, putting myself out there, believing in my skills, believing in me and just talking to people.

I never know what to say. I can stand there and ask a question and it gets awkward so fast until either I walk away, they walk away or someone else joins who can actually act like a normal human being and starts up a conversation.

This whole thing terrifies me. It makes me feel I have no substance. Nothing to share. I mean honestly, what did you do this weekend? Let me tell you what I did and do every weekend: I watched Netflix and Hulu, played a game and sat on the couch. Such an adventure.

Stupid thing is, I know that it’s not about what other people think about me. Perhaps they think this is utterly boring, while to me it’s relaxing. But it’s in my head and I feel I have no stories to tell people. So it gets awkward pretty fast and I keep people away, at a distance or they just walk away. And it makes me feel worse. In a crowd of people I don’t know, I feel most out of place of all and I’d rather disappear. I can’t just join a conversation, cause I don’t want to make people feel awkward or force them to include me, when I have nothing of value to add.

And this is all regular conversations and networking. It’s not even about making friends or worst of all, building a relationship, finding someone. Honestly, I have never asked anyone out on a date. Have been on one date in my entire life and kissed twice. And that was years ago. Now when I talk to someone I like, at the odd chance that I am able to or they started talking to me and asking me questions, which takes the pressure off, I know I’ll still never attempt to ask them out or try to flirt. Because what is the point? In my mind, I’m not good enough. I’m broken and don’t even get me started on my looks. People say guys and girls like someone with confidence. I’m sure that would be helpful to have as well. But truthfully, most go off in appearance. And I’ve been told enough times how I don’t fit the status quo of “pretty”. In fact, I’ve heard the term ugly often enough. And now my weight has increased enough to make me feel even better about myself. Ya know, sarcastically meant of course.

im not sharing this or even saying it as some pity party. I know it’s up to me to change it. And I’m not fishing for compliments, because as my best friend well knows, telling me that those people were wrong and I’m beautiful the way I am and blablabla, it’s not going to work. Being told you’re ugly for over 20 years leaves a mark. And it’s gonna take time to get rid of that and fight the “lucifer” voice in my head. You know the one. It reminds you of just how badly you messed uptake work today or why you shouldn’t bother putting make up on, cause you’re still looking a mess and he won’t like you like that anyway. So don’t even start.

Anyway, it’s things that I hope will become less in the future. I’ll be doing a workshop to learn self compassion this week. Seems necessary, don’t you think?

In the meantime I am learning more about myself and slowly my true desires are coming to light. And I’m even recognizing how quickly I give myself reasons not to try something, mostly reasons to do with other people. How I don’t want to disappoint them or let them down. It’s a struggle to find out what my dreams and passions are and an even bigger struggle to allow myself to choose what I want over what other people want.

Being creative and writing is what I enjoy doing. Now I need to learn to do it for myself and not to impress others or get gratification or recognition or use it so people will like me. I want to learn to write for me. Do things in general for me and not for others. Which is also why my social media “break” is taking a lot longer than I intended. I want to talk to people, I do. But I’m still not using it for the right things or in the right way. So for now, I am staying away as much as possible. I read messages though, whether replies or private messages. And I can still be reached via e-mail of course, if anyone wants to talk.

But yeah. It’s a hard struggle still, understandably so. And when you are as impatient as I am, it can be infuriating and frustrating. But I can not force things or I will shut myself down. So we stay on the path, small steps, with encouragement from family, friends and coaches and slowly myself.

Stay strong out there if you recognize yourself in this. It is hard and it will hurt, but it will get better. You’re not alone, so keep fighting for yourself.

 

Too much

feels like I’m drowning. Just sinking deeper. Been a while since I’ve felt like this this long at a time. No clue what to do right now. Tried talking to people, just makes me feel bad cause I’m pulling them down too. They say I can say anything to them, they understand. But that doesn’t make me feel better about it. So what then? Just not talk to anyone? Keep it all inside? Isn’t that how I got in this mess in the first place?

sigh… Just no clue. Stuck in my head and feeling like a child who can not handle life alone. Need my hand held at every step. Even when I take steps back and man I feel like I have.

i know that that child is there and needs some love and care too. But how am I supposed to give that? I can’t give myself a hug, I can’t even receive a hug from others or give them. I can’t assure her that things will be okay when it takes effort to believe it myself. I wish I was held by someone, just to feel safe and really cared for for once. But I can’t even remember the last time that ever happened. The last time I wasn’t alone when I cried or threw something in anger.

the disconnect from myself and those around me is definitely there again right now. Can it be fixed? I hope so. At the moment all I feel is drained, alone and fighting a hard battle with myself. I keep hitting myself in low places and can’t fight back. It’s such a struggle and I don’t want to keep getting everyone around me down too. But I can’t do it alone either.

One positive thing I can name is that I now sense that this isn’t really me. I don’t know who I am yet, but this isn’t it. It feels awful. Empty, emotions and feelings all over the place, ridiculous thoughts every few seconds but feeling them so much that I believe them to be true.

So what do I do? Keep talking to those who say it’s okay and they understand, but they can only sympathize and have no idea what to say and I know it’s exhausting for them to hear it every day, even if they don’t say it is. It’s hard to be right now. Just fucking hard to be…

 

So much frustration

I need to rant for a second. I haven’t been on here for a while. I’ve been dealing with lots of new emotions as they rise to the surface and I am more connection with my actual feelings instead of thoughts. But damn it, the thoughts are still very present and it is so frustrating.

I have days where I’m so open and good things happen. And then I have days in a row, so many, where I have lots of negative thoughts again and the new feelings make it all hurt that much more.

My self confidence seems to be suffering from it and so is my connection with other people. I’m already socially awkward and have no clue how to talk to people. My lack of self esteem is not helping obviously and then I put pressure on it too. People say it’s good to have questions in your head to ask the others so they can talk about themselves and also flirt a little. My head seems to get blank every single time I talk to people. And they end up asking me questions that I can barely answer with confidence or feeling comfortable.

And then it gets better, because I feel lonely so many days and then other days I want to just be alone and not around anyone else, because my feelings are too much to handle and I need a breather by myself. But that distances me from other people and I end up not doing things I set out to do and then I’m mad at myself, because I’m disappointing other people and myself too.

Like what the hell do I want then? Do I want more friends? Do I want to learn how to be alone? Do I want relationships? Do I want to be more confident myself? or does it all connect?

It’s such a damn mess and it’s exhausting and then all this negativity right here comes out and I don’t know how to get out of it. I don’t want to think, but it’s hard to stick to the feelings as well and right now I can’t figure out which is which and I feel like I need to jump out of myself for a while. It almost feels like I need a vacation, but I had days off by myself and I felt even worse.

I’m angry, frustrated, hurt, confused, want to crawl out of my skin, cry, hit, throw things, break stuff, want to be held, aaargh!!!

 

Isolation

It did start with growing up. I created my own little world, making up stories with anything around me, whether pencils or dolls or well, anything. Then TV caught my attention and I lost myself in that world, next to still creating my own stories and reading. Then the computer came along and well, it grew from there.

As a child I remember being someone that my family said all too often I talked a lot. When I was comfortable, I did that. When I wasn’t, like in school with strangers, I got quiet and shy. Still I don’t remember finding it hard to make friends back then. It wasn’t until I hit puberty and that was damn early by the way, that my awkwardness and insecurities and self esteem issues started building.

It went on from there and I continued isolating myself and found myself awkward, barely any friends, even awkward around family and still losing myself in fantasy worlds, obsessions with TV shows and music groups and celebrities and making up stories, in writing now.

I discovered social media and it was great, cause you could make friends online, where you can hide the insecurities and selfesteem cause you’re not judged for your looks. Least that’s how I thought it would work. But I continued to isolate myself, turning inward more and more, selfesteem lower, insecurities higher, thoughts overpowering me.

In my job I have changed things already, I can speak up for myself and get things done, less afraid to ask for things. But socially… I’m in my twenties and I have cut off social media, because it was taking over and I had to stop cold turkey, same as the TV show obsession. The fantasy world I used to have, I miss it. Because now, all I see is life around me and the emptiness in my own life and how alone I am. I can’t vent in writing, be creative, because, well I’m not sure why. or maybe there’s too many possible reasons and the biggest is fear that it’s not good enough, that it’s stupid and honestly I can’t seem to write for my own enjoyment. I need gratification and that’s not what writing is about.

The isolation has brought me to my knees really. With social media not being my hiding place anymore, I’m so much more aware of how bad things are. I feel like a child who never actually grew up. I feel so much pent up anger and sadness and frustration and I can’t deal with it, I don’t know how. I barely have friends and no clue how to make them. People have tried to help, giving advice like: just walk up to someone. Or: I’ll come with you, we can talk to someone together. And I wish it would help. But I am finding myself socially awkward at every step.

Online I still find it easier to talk with people. In person, it’s as if I’ve never spoken to them at all. I can barely look at them. If someone else is there, yeah, the conversation might go okay. If that person leaves, the conversation goes quiet, awkwardly so. I feel uncomfortable and sometimes even get a concerned glance from someone asking if I’m okay. I see how other people do it, be so open and talk freely with anyone and I can’t even do that with most of my family. I barely go to birthdays anymore, because I don’t know what to say. I’m asked: how are you? Good. How’s work? Yeah, it’s going well. I honestly have no clue what to do other than that. And that frustrates me to no end. It hurts that something that looks so simple for other people, is so fucking hard for me.

And it’s not a case of, just stop thinking about it. Just walk up to someone. Just enjoy yourself. Just relax. I can’t pretend to feel comfortable. I can’t flip a switch. I can’t physically stand too close to someone without subconsciously stepping back or leaning back or sideways. And when someone touches me, whether accidental or on purpose, most times, I’ll jump or shiver or shrink back. Not because I want to or have any sort of reason to. I don’t know where that came from or when it happened. I used to hug people as a child and give kisses and sit on laps and wanted affection. Now, I want to be able to stand close to someone, touch someone, be affectionate, be open to people, let them in and bond, anything. But I can’t. It really hurts more and more that I can’t do that. I’m almost 28 and I’ve never had a relationship, kissed twice, am a virgin, have had 1 date and barely have friends.

I am in therapy for this and other things and I know it will take time. But without that safety net of my fantasy world, or being able to keep myself busy with anything else, cause of course this has to be the time where I don’t seem to enjoy anything and I feel completely lost and empty, the frustration builds. I’m sinking further to the bottom and like my sister wisely said, the only way is up. I do know that. and I know I’m impatient and stubborn. But mostly because it really all hurts a lot the more it happens and it’s hard to deal with.

I’m scared. Because I feel like Im gonna be left behind. People make other friends and the more time it takes and the more I’m awkward around people, the more time is lost to still make friends with them. And the most terrifying thought in my head, is that if I were to disappear (and no not like that), for example I would quit my job, people might miss me in the job, because I’m damn good at it, but they wouldn’t miss me as a person. I feel most barely know me. Honestly, I barely know me.

I don’t want to get lost in this void, going through life and work like a robot with nothing to say. I don’t want to be an empty shell or shadow on the wall. Thankfully I am getting opportunities to get through it and I have people supporting me. Because I can’t take this anymore and I can’t do it alone either. It’s time to climb back up. It will go slow and that will still be frustrating. But rebuilding anything takes time and effort. So let’s go for it. Time to take the plunge and get the hell out of this mess.